In the pilot…”Sex Slaves, yo”

Crime boss Jefferson Davis is splitting LA into North and South and selling everyone into sex slavery.  Phat Abe is soon kicked off the force for putting four score and seven bullets into one of Davis’ thugs.  

Davis retaliates by kidnapping Lincoln’s girlfriend, Mary Todd, threatening to pimp her out at two bucks a pop if he doesn’t back off. 

Off the force and alone, Lincoln with his trusty gun, “the Railsplitter”, must turn to undercover pimp, JFK, to help take down Davis and save his beloved crazy Mary.

Other Possible Episodes:

  “Bay of Pigs”

Fidel Castro runs a chop shop, called “Bay of Pigs,” in the Little Havana section of East LA.  In Cuba they only have old American cars and can’t get spare parts, so Castro uses gang members as valets to steal old cars for him to chop and send back there.  Phat Abe raids Castro’s chop shop on a tip from undercover pimp, JFK.  But somebody warns Castro and the raid fails.  Infuriated, Castro sends his psychotic thug hit man, Che Guevara or El Che, to kill Phat Abe. 

Teddy Roosevelt and his low-rider gang called the "rough riders" hang out in Little Havana and Teddy works on his 64 Impala low-rider at Castro’s shop.  While there he learns of the hit on Phat Abe and tells his cousin Franklin, another cop on the force.  Together Franklin and Phat Abe send El Che & Castro out with a bang!

 “Yo! Short Mutha Phunka”

Mao Tse Tung and his “mini-me” sidekick, Deng Xiaoping, are into Human Growth Hormone and steroid trafficking.  They’re stealing from famous sources like Stallone, Arnold, Barry Bonds, etc.  They get the hook ups and info through Nixon.  They want to steal it all and ship it back to China, so they can dominate the Olympics, Basketball, and the world!  But more importantly, so that Mao & Deng Xiaoping can make themselves taller! 

Mao gets busted when Deng Xiaoping gets into a fistfight with Danny Devito over who’s taller.  Out of his element in China Town, Phat Abe joins forces with Bruce Lee.  Big trouble ain’t the only thing happenin’ in little China when Bruce Lee and Phat Abe kick some undersized Chinese butt to stop the trafficking!  

 “Who Cut The Cheese, Yo”

Frenchies, Charles de Gaulle & Jacques Chirac, the stinky frog twins, come to kill the California happy cows and make it look like aliens (see California Cows commercials) thus destroying the California cheese economy and giving them total control the world cheese market.   But it’s not only the cheese they seek to destroy; they’re after the wine, as well.  “Wit out zheir wine and cheez zey are notzing!”  Phat Abe teams up with Francis Ford Coppola & John Wayne to stop the mad smelly bastards on both fronts!  

“I Need Carbs, Ya Dig”

Mussolini is stealing all the pasta in LA because “Italiana pasta isa too gooda forra Americannas”, and he’s killing all the chefs in town to boot. Il Duce, (the leader) as Mussolini calls himself, heads the city council.  A master propagandist, Il Duce and his mistress, porn star and politician Cicciolina, manipulates the media into blaming the pasta shortage and chef deaths on Big Phat Abe Lincoln, whose favorite dish is pasta!

Abe’s furious.  He knows it’s Il Duce, but he can’t get the goods on him.  The shiznit hits the fan when Don Corleone can’t get his usual Pasta Fagioli and sets out to find the pasta thief.  Then it’s arevaderchi Il Duce.  Phat Abe finds Mussolini and his mistress hanging upside down on meat hooks the next day and it’s pasta for everybody! 

“Yo Man, Elvis Is Dead”

Phat Abe goes undercover as '70's Fat Elvis to bust Nikita Khrushchev, drug kingpin who’s destroying the decadent West with drugs while making himself and his country rich.  This is his "Peaceful co-existence" strategy to secretly bring down the West.  It’s a win-win for him!  He hates everything about America, but Elvis.  He loves Elvis and arranges for a private performance. 

Phat Abe partners up with the real Elvis (Special Agent Elvis as appointed by Richard Nixon with the badge to prove it!).  Phat Abe & Elvis have much in common including they both think Nixon is a tool!  Elvis trains Phat Abe to “be” Elvis, so he can get behind “the wall” where Khrushchev lives and gather evidence to prove he’s dirty.  After Elvis trains Abe, he gives him an Elvis jumpsuit and sends Red & the gang to accompany Abe to the gig. 

The real Elvis sneaks inside Khrushchev’s place and busts Nixon with Khrushchev in kitchen debating over Khrushchev’s lack of modern technological conveniences.  Nixon escapes and later kills Elvis on the crapper (al la Pulp Fiction).

“Calling Dalai Lama”

Abe’s partner Ronnie Reagan feels like Phat Abe needs a karmic make over and calls on his long time friend Richard Gere to help out.  When they arrive at Gere’s home they catch him playing with “Tibet”, his pet gerbil.  They talk Gere into calling his pal his holiness the 14th Dalai Lama to come perform a karmic cleansing on Phat Abe. 

Once in town, his holiness, ever the connoisseur of fine duck, attends a cooking contest, “Best Duck” by Wolf Gang Puck.  Wolf Gang is outrage when his holiness chooses another man’s duck.  When Wolf Gang tries to assassinate his holiness the Dalai Lama, Phat Abe cleans more than just his karma!

 “Kim Jong is Ill, Dawg”

Kim Jong Il is a gay pervert hanging out in West Hollywood running a male theatre group that performs Ethel Merman musicals in the nude.  He’s also buying young boy sex slaves from Jefferson Davis.  Abe teams up with James Buchanan Mayor of West Hollywood to help him “straighten” things out and bring gay pride back to his city.

Madeleine Notsobright unwittingly helps Kim Jong Il because she’s so dumb she doesn’t know he’s a pedophile on a scale that makes Michael Jackson look monogamous. Before you know it there’s Jong Il “fireworks” & “missile” displays all over the place.  Madeleine Notsobright gets it in the end, literally, and Phat rules the day.